I’ve been thinking lately about manners. It occurs to me that there are situations where behaviors that would be fine (or even considered the epitome of etiquette) in some instances would be rude or even highly offensive in others. I’m not talking specifically about international manners, though that obviously applies – burping after a meal, using one’s left hand for … anything, or even the manner in which one crosses one’s legs are just a couple examples of that. The disparity in behavioral acceptability is something that can be seen by a topical comparisons of regions (domestically).
My brother-in-law’s in-laws (confusing? My wife’s brother’s wife’s family. Does that help or muddy the waters?) are from Arkansas. They’re wonderful people, and know how to mind their p’s and q’s. The style of manners in the deep south of America varies from that of say … Michigan. (My dad’s family is from the mitten part.) When we have the chance to see the AR gang up for holidays, we address my brother-in-law’s mother-in-law as “Miss Sarah.” You should know a couple things about this lady. She’s one of the nicest people you could ever have the chance to meet, and if you ever did have the opportunity, you’d be glad afterward. The reason I’ve chosen to use her as my example is her desire to be addressed in a fairly informal manner. If I called her, “Mrs. [last name],” she might think that I wasn’t comfortable around her. That, to some people is tantamount to saying, “you’ve failed at hospitality.” This is a statement that could never be made to Miss Sarah with any shred of honesty. Seriously, I hope for your sake you either already know her, or one day will get the chance.
The familiarity of using the host/ess’ first name (even with honorific) would be considered rather forward – to the point of rudeness – in other situations. I don’t speak with an “old Virginia” accent. If I did, or better yet, if I spoke in the lilting drawl of deep Georgia, it may be excusable to address others in this manner, excusing it as a “charming idiosyncrasy of a southern boy.” I don’t though. I was taught to speak by a couple of Yankees. (My mom’s from IL, and as I mentioned, my dad hails from the Mitten.) If I want to be formal, the default for me is the appropriate honorific (Mr., Ms., Mrs, Dr., etc.) followed by the person’s last name. I will lay my unfolded napkin across my lap, and set my fork down between bites. I will not belch or speak with food in my mouth, and a laundry list of other things I’ve learned as “proper.”
All of this has got me thinking about the nature of etiquette. Why is it so varied? Why does it matter that I be aware of my hosts? Well, what is the purpose of manners? Who benefits from people using manners? It’s not the guest. If a person uses good manners, that person does so as a sign of respect for those around him/her. If I leave a little food on my plate at one person’s house, it’s to show that person they gave me enough food, and that “I couldn’t possibly eat one more bite.” At another person’s house, I will go out of my way to clean my plate as a sign that the food was so good, I was nearly tempted to lick the plate clean. (I know I’ve been using food manners a lot in this post, but let’s face it: food has a lot of rules.)
With so many possible ways to communicate respect, defference, and gratitude to those around us, it can be a bit overwhelming. Isn’t there a simple way to make sure everybody is happy all the time? It’s not fool-proof, but if you are observant, there are almost aways hints about what people value. After that, it’s up to you to respond how you see fit.
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