Preface: I am a feminist. I’m also a guy. This is possible because of my understanding of genuine feminism. Women are incredible humans: they can (generally) multitask much better than men, they are capable of incubating and sustaining new humans, and the way women process information gives them an understanding of any given situation that often flabbergasts us men … just to name a few specifics. I got my butt kicked by a girl when I took karate as a 14 year old, so I’ve never labored under the delusion of “the weaker sex.” To put it in a nut shell, women kick ass, and they/you deserve fair and equal treatment to men in the workplace life. Period.
That being said (and every word meant), I have a request: please don’t geld well-meaning men in the name of equality. What am I talking about? I grew up having certain conventions of decency and manners taught to me. Some people call it chivalry, but that’s reminiscent of the Middle Ages, when women were certainly not (for the most part) treated as equals, so for the sake of this post, we’ll refer to this code of etiquette by other terms. The practices that became a part of me are not so prosaic as draping my coat over a mud puddle (go around that junk! That’s what I’m going to do!) or even standing when a woman stands to leave the table/room or when she enters the room. There are certain things that were considered polite at one point in time, but would just get a little creepy now. That, and if you suddenly jumped up when some women came in the room, you may get a face full of pepper spray. Just saying.
The code instilled in me was more practical.
1. Offer your seat if there aren’t enough for everyone. This is just common decency, and not even exclusive to women. If there’s an elderly man or woman, a pregnant woman, or someone on crutches etc, it just shows a deference, awareness, and desire to aid those who are genuinely not as able-bodied as you. When I offer my chair to an able-bodied woman though, I’m just being nice. Can we accept it for what it is?
2. Hold doors. If I’m going through the door anyway, I was planning on opening it. I usually do when entering or exiting a building … I’m not the Kool Aid guy. If I have to open the door anyway, holding it open for someone else – be they male or female – I’m letting you know I saw you and that I’m not so big a jerk as to slam it in your face. If I hold a door I wasn’t going to go through (think car door), I am not insinuating that you are somehow too weak and frail a creature to open the door yourself. I’m just trying to make your life a little easier. It’s not an insult, ok?
3. When walking up some stairs behind a female human, pay careful attention to your own feet. Even if she doesn’t recognize the fact you were deliberately not ogling her buttox, it at least provides one moment in the day where she’s not being treated like an object. This point can be expanded like this: don’t be a pervert.
There are more, but hopefully you get the general feel. Basically, try to be nice to people – young women, older women, and men too. Most of the time, these simple kindnesses are greeted with a smile and a thank you. Not always however, and that is why I’m writing right now.
When I was in school, I was leaving Harris Hall after a class, and held the door for a female student heading into the building. (Quickly: I don’t need to be thanked. I’m ok being totally ignored honestly, in most of these situations.) She looked at me like I’d just called her some horrifically sexist name and said, “Thanks, asshole. Like I can’t get the door myself?” Gobsmacked. I hadn’t come up against this level of opposition before – certainly not based on which variety of genitalia I was born with.
I am completely aware that many of my sex have given us a terrible reputation as letches, scumbags, and swaggering idiots who think of little other than “gettin some.” I want to slap every guy who enforces this perception. THAT is not manliness. Thinking men are better than women is NOT manliness. Getting paid more for the exact.same.job is not fair. Hollering demeaning and sexist things at a woman from your car as you drive by does NOT make you a bro. It makes you an idiot, and demonstrates that you possess an understanding of cooperation between the sexes somewhere between that of a dust bunny and a used Q-tip. Women don’t need men to open doors and offer seats, but it can be used to demonstrate respect for them as fellow humans and sojourners through this weird-as-all-get-out life.
So my request to the female readers of this post is this: there are some of us men out there that genuinely don’t have an ulterior motive for holding open doors. We are not communicating perceived superiority; please don’t punish us for the morons out there. Thanks
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